i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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