i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
