you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
