If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
