nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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