I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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