I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
