Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
