Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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