Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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