If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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