90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
