If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i've created a new STD.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
