I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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