Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
