I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
and you fell through a lawn chair
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
