so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
