Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Two words: blizzard sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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