Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
