i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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