Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sex in the backyard? Check.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
