There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
