If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
