I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
