How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
