Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
