They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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