he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
