As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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