oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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