he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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