Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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