I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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