Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
