I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
