I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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