im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He did a backflip because drugs
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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