She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize