we have pet lesbian snakes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
