life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!