Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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