The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
