My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
