there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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