I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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