Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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