i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
