I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
