so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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