I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
