yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
