the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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