I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
