whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
its liver damage thursday
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
