All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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