plz talk dirty to me
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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