Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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