I wish I could teleport
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
