So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You did what with his pubic hair?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
